Hazy Reality

What a way to start the month and end a weekend with a movie. So I decided to grab a copy of Eli Roth's Hostel. The OBB was in the typical Tarantino style wherein it makes one anticipate the whole movie. It starts with these three backpackers traveling to different countries to ease have a taste of women and good life. In one of their travels they get to meet an average guy who showed them a photo of of him engaging in an orgy. He informs that these women are from Slovakia and are always in search for men and would easily fall for them especially for Americans. So off they went to Slovakia. Where they're dicks point to... that's where they're heading.

At the hostel in Slovakia, they met gorgeous women whom after having a drinking binge engaged with them in casual sex. The next day, one of them was missing. Then the following day another. Until the lead ends up in a hole where dismemberment is performed in each room. Unfortunately he became a captive in one of these rooms. And escapes.

What a bore.

Pardon me Eli Roth, but it really sucked. Okay, the focus on the characters was good because the viewers would get to think that one guy is the lead but end up decapitated in the middle of the film. Switching to the other guy who ends up escaping death and getting revenge by handing a bagful of candy to dangerous street kids. It was so pathetic.

I felt sorry for this movie, and so should you.

Runtime: 94 min / Philippines:93 min (cut) of my time was robbed from me.

This is something that I wrote during my college days. The problem is I could no longer remember the last two stanzas. It was originally a song I wrote for my band during those days. Unfortunately, a professor confiscated my notes and I never get to retrieve it. The reason for its confiscation? Nevermind.

Rainbow on fire
With all those people 'round your side
And all that anger which you can't hide
You think it's kinds tough when
You can't pull yourself through.
And now you lost hope on your life too.

Can't you see that the rainbow is on fire?
That the rainbow is on fire.
When you give up to yourself it seems
that the rainbow's on fire.

When all you think about is going away
You can't solve your problems when you go astray
When you got no one to cling on
When you feel the pain
And your life is imprisoned by your
Hurt and hate.

The rainbow on fire no man desire
The rainbow on fire feels like mire
And when the rainbow is on fire
There's you can’t help but cry.

My name is not important.
Nor my physique would have any bearing.
I was born crying because of the soft slap
by the doctor
It didn't hurt.
I was just scared and felt rage.
Scared of detachment from safety.
Or rage from being taken away
from my comfort zone.
Come to think of it.
Those are my first emotions.

How dear it is if I laughed instead of crying
Upon greeting the world.

I was washed by rough textured but
gentle hands by a lady I don't know.
Wrapped in white linens except for my face.
I felt confusion on why is she doing this for me.
And satisfied after.

At that short span of time,
I declare it was a roller coaster ride of emotions
I'd probably acquire in a lifetime.

Fear. Rage. Comfort. Satisfaction. Distrust.
Trust. Acceptance. Surrender. Excitement.

This might be the reason why we feel
Comfort after shedding a few tears.
This might be the reason why we feel
Lonely after leaving or being left.
This might be the reason why we feel at home
In the arms of a loved one.

7:45 am
My Apartment

I can't believe this is happening to me. Fifteen minutes more and I'm about to say goodbye to my 8th job. Human resource just served me my final straw and they're more than willing to cut me loose if ever I get late again. I know. Their eyes seem to peer on ever move and decision that I make. Probably they're….

I just placed it here somewhere…..
On the coffee table? None.
Underneath the stacks of magazine? Hmmm… None.
Where the hell it may be?

…just waiting for me to make a wrong move and BAM…

did I left it at Kate's' place? No I don't think so, Still used it last night.
A-ha! No. It's impossible that I'd get it flushed down the drain? Could it?
My bag…Nope. Nothing in here…

…they'd fire me with all their might…

I think it's in these bookshelves….shit!
Where could have I placed it?
Calm down. Calm down. You won't be able to think clearly when you're too agitated.
Last thing I recall, I locked my doors and placed it some….where.
The hell! Got to get to the office without it or I'd be late…

8:20
Office. 20 minutes late

Yup there's no need to hurry…
I'd take my time to smell the roses and again bid farewell to this job.
How could I get so…..

8:35
Office, Human Resource department

"We already gave you our final warning and you didn't seem to take it seriously.” she tried to be as professional as possible with her tone. "So I regret to say that your services are no longer required in this company."

" I know this I coming." I replied.
"So why this consistency…on being late? I may also be a friend, you know."
" Cut me some slack. I've been searching for my eyeglasses the whole morning and before I know it I lost track of time. You know I'm blind as a bat when I got no glasses on."
"I see."
"So I decided to come to work even without them…and here I am being fired."
"Without them?"
"Yes without them."
"Well, maybe there's one place you didn't search?"
"And where?" she's beginning to annoy me…
"Looked in the mirror?"
What would it be doing in the mirror?" Hah!
"Well have you tried to look in between your eyes and above your nose bridge?"

I placed my fingers at my eyes and it was there….
All the while it was there…

Napadaan ako ng Recto isang tanghali.
Hinarang ng isang matandang nakaputi
Umiwas ako dahil nagmamadali
Ngunit siya’y mapilit at humiling ng kahit sandali.

Tangan niya sa kanyang kulubot na kamay
Lumang papel iginigiit na aking buhay
Mahiwaga daw ang papel na taglay
Pagkat makikita ang aking buhay na makulay.

Ang kanyang sinasabi ay di kapanipaniwala
Tulad ng mga buwitreng nakikinabang sa mga taong wala
Ako’y natawa at tatalikod na
Agad niya itong binuksan at ipinakita.

At sa aking mga mata tumambad.
Ang aking nakaraan at duon nakasaad.
Mga kaganapan sa aking buhay mula pagkasilang
Hanggang sa nagyayari sa ngayon bumibilang.

Inagaw ko mula sa kanyang pagkakatangan
At dalidali kong tinitigan ang magiging kaganapan
Kung ano ang sasapitin sa kinabukasan
Ako ba'y makakaahon sa sinasapit na kahirapan?

Mga asul na mga titik naglalaman ng kahiwagaan
Nakasaad mga mahal ko sa buhay malapit na mamaalam
Hanggang sa tumanda puro na lang kahirapan
At ni walang liwanag sa hinaharap na mararanasan.

Sa aking galit di napigilang ipunit
Ang haharapin ko pala sa buhay ay walang kasing sungit.
Hindi ko alam kung paano itatago ang ngitngit
Sa kaawa-awang matanda naibunton ang galit.

Ngunit nang aking nasumpungan
Wala pala ako sa Recto at ngayo'y napapaligiran
Ng nagdaraanang mabibilis na sasakyan
At sa aking kamay ay muli kong tangan

Ang lumang papel na aking pinunit
Ngunit ang aking damit ay gulagulanit
Ikaw ba nais ng masilip?
Ang isinasaad ng iyong blueprint?

My soul is a farm.
I sow seeds and eventually harvest.
I protect it from pests and robbers.
Diligently never allow it to wither.
Feeding from the water of deeds.
How proud I am enjoying its abundance.
Storms dim its purity.
A drought withers the crop.
I then neglect its existence.
Leaving to wander to dry and putrid soil.
But after the drought you should see.
How pure as snow again it seems.
And again enjoy the comfort of its mist.

Face one
Smooth as silk from bud it grew
Mountainous peaks chosen men go
Resting their mouths at its rosy peaks
Tasted nothing yet emotions sweep.

Tender earth pressed by the palms
Awoke the buds seeks to be calmed
Round and twins to and fro
Raising heat but still we go

Face two
At its peak the children fed
A taste of life where first beheld
Relief of thirst weaving life
The is no time chosen to seek its plight

Face three
Alas! The buds are dry
Wilting brown the peaks now wry
Lest it has no use
But still a place, men would always choose.

The last time I checked you left your options open.
The last time I checked it was only I who holds the key.
The last time I checked you couldn’t smile without me.
And the last time I checked you were looking for me.

Alone you had your spirit broken.
Alone your hands tremble for me.
Alone your thoughts are of me.
The last time I checked you’re alone because of me.

In front of me I noticed you giggle.
In front of me you drew your eye away with pride.
In front of me you drew closer.
In front of me you drew closer to him.

Inside of me are regrets.
Inside of me is you.
Inside of me are nightmares.
Inside of me are nightmares of you.

Dark room.
Stale coffee.
Ashes and butts of cigarettes on a nearly filled ashtray.
Cracked peach blank walls.
Neatly fixed bed with books by its side.
Scratch papers of poetry.
Scratch papers of women’s number.
Dysfunctional extension phone.
Fitness magazines underneath a side table.
Smut magazines in a hidden old bag.
Metal plates for my dumbbells.
Sands from Boracay in a small pot.
Broken alarm clock.
Unfinished matte floor in gray.
Four pin lights where only one works.
Edgar Allan Poe, Anne Rice at shelves
Unnamed CDs stored in a box
An old black radio by the bedside.
An electric fan given by an ex
(She reminded me once she wants to have it back)
Different bags hanged on an unused drawing table
An old used KFC bucket used as a bin.

It’s my lair when I’m proud.
It’s a dungeon when I’m in a cloud.
A place you don’t want to be found.
If I die I won’t make one sound.

The calm black sea seems to lead to eternity. Flicker of light seems to be scattered like gems as it crashes its waves upon the shore. The moon heed to the request of the sea not to show itself up. Warm air enveloped my body like an embrace of life, but pawns my soul to something darker on the other side.

I came across a lady in white with hair cascading to her waist. A vision that leaped from a Mona Lisa copycat struck my mind. She held out her paper white hand for me to take.

“Alone?” she asks.
“ I invoked the soul of Katha.”
“ Katha? Goddess of mourning?”

Need her say that? No war present by these gods on my knowledge.

“ There are no gods.”
“ Mock my wisdom. Yes, you may. But my faith would never wane.”
“ The gods gave way to extinction.”
“ Making you a god.”
“ Yes.”
“ But you’re no god. Never knew you.”
“ I’m not a god. Yes. Katha is.”
“ So why the confidence to stand before me?”
“ You also claim to be a god.” She replied.
“ Placid human.”
“ Ravenous mind.”
“ A kiss of scorn you may offer some. But not for me.”
“ I forgot your wisdom is excellent.”
“ And your sarcasm is perfect.”
“ Invoking Katha?”
“ Yes.”
“ There is no god Katha.”
“ The goddess of mourning.”

She reached for a dried branch and placed it near her heart. Hurt signifies this action for gods. For a goddess like her could gain everything except shed a tear. And a being like me could ask for anything except wisdom.

“You could gain it.”
“ No I can’t.”
“ Yes, you can’t.”

I got a casual call last night from a friend who worried about me after reading my blogs. She said it felt so lonely, or maybe depressing. She was pretty much aware that I might be on that state, after all she may be the reason I am in that state. She was my former girlfriend and we just broke up three months ago.

The first few days of our break up, honestly, did not made much impact on me. Probably I was still harboring the madness I felt against her. Slowly my emotions seemed to leap out of my heart through time and that madness turned to resentment. I seemed to be a turtle always hiding inside my shell taking the pleasure from the darkness my soul felt.

I began to write. Placed some illustrations on the sides of my lyrics. It felt good. It was heroin during my lowest ebb. Funny to say that when I began to delve into these emotions it felt like home. The negativity I felt ate my very soul and not once did I resisted it.

14 years ago:
“Pre, sobrang lalim mo naman. Wag ka bibitaw sa katotohanan baka mabaliw ka!”(Friend, you’re too deep. Try to hang on to reality or you might lose your mind)
Redel S.
During our drinking sessions

Katha in my soul. A scar made to be an emblem in the center of my heart. (Journey Chronicles)

I walked through darkness,
But found no consolation
Excitedly hopped through the sun,
But never felt its heat
Flew through the clouds
But never felt the mist
Dived the deep Atlantis,
And found colors never complete
Stared death at its face
The numbness took its toll
Enjoyed rivers of wine
Never fed my soul
Spent days with different
Women’s unwavering beauty
Bloody red rose moist lips
Tried to battle this apathy.
Earnestly thrust my sword to oblivion
But there’s still no consolation
Bathe myself in pools of scorn
Filth wrapped every part of me
Life. Breathe. Reality.

If I was Orpheus, I’ll take you with me.
In a realm you’d be enchanted and feel free.
I’d wrap you with my serene voice and comfort you til eternity.
I’d close your eyes and offer a different reality.
Your ears would be a slave to every note of my lyre.
Your thirst would be quenched with just a smile.
Together we’ll travel it may take awhile,
To seek new sounds and some different style.

If I was Orpheus, I’ll take you with me.
And chain your heart for only me you’d see.
A resonant minuet named after you,
A natural courtship only my music could do.
Feel the harmony coming from my soul?
Will give you heat and never feel cold.
These nylon strings my fingers crept
And touched those who hears and so they wept.

But I’m no Orpheus as you can see.
I’m just your mere Eurydice.
Orpheus it’s who you are for me
And I won’t mind being your Eurydice.

I woke up before her and saw the first ray of light hit her curled lashes. It glistened like corn hair against her deep eyes. Her long auburn hair rests upon her freckled bare shoulders. I ran my fingers above her pale red lips toward her ear. Then my hands made its way to her contoured cold back. It’s as smooth as an old brandy rushing thru my throat during lonely evenings. Her perfume and stale wine still filled the room even from last night. I took her small hand and held it with both of mine and brushed it on my cheek, kissed it tenderly and placed it over my heart hoping it would awaken her. There was no response. I tried to contain my tears but few I can’t hold longer. I rested my head over her chest, and stared blankly. Every moment elapsing the more I held her hands tighter. I rose to my feet and kissed her lips to bid farewell. Such finality I thought could only be seen in movies, and it feels I’m trapped in one. Covered her with a white linen blanket, exhaled heavily and placed her at the back of my heart.

The roses are no longer red.
There is no warmth here in my bed.
Things come running over my head.
It’s no use now for you’re already dead.

I licked my wounds and dried through time.
Scars left proof that you’re once mine.
Bitter taste to glance behind.
I drowned all sorrows with my cheap wine.

In my heart I always hope.
That you would change in time would cope.
How I wished that I would wake.
From these nightmare for my hearts sake.

At times I can’t help to look back then.
From happy mem’ries of our time spent.
Moments later I’m back again.
The reality is no more my friend.

And while you read a line or two.
Deep in your heart you know it’s you.
I’m screaming now these words aloud.
You smirk at this, I know you’re proud.

In spite of this I would not lie.
Feelings for you are hard to die.
And though this love was once for you.
I’ll for someone who would be true.